on soul

and the struggle with listening to it (and also what it even is. and also some other stuff)

raw, unfiltered thoughts from my brain. will make edits but needed to get this out there.

Problem I keep running into. maybe its just the way im thinking about shit that makes it seem like every problem boils down to this. Regardless I truly believe this is something everybody faces whether they do something about it or not.

I honestly don’t even know what to call this. Does it even need a name? no because you know what im talking about. Your soul. The instinct you have that tells you the right thing to do. And by right, I mean the thing that aligns with your highest purpose.

Im constantly experiencing that feeling/instinct of “this is what I need to do” but do I always do it? no. because its fucking hard. Most times you’re going against survival instinct, social norms, the conventional way of handling things.

Relationships are a concrete example. Sooo many people stay in relationships they know are not right because not only is maintaining connection a survival mechanism, there is a ton of societal pressure to be in a relationship.

Truth is explaining this is juvenile. Every fucking human on earth knows this feeling. The ones that choose to follow it will resonate. The ones who have shut down that connection and live however they are told to live will tell me im crazy. Im more fascinated by “what is this higher self/instinct/soul that tells us the right thing to do?” what is it? the pull towards connection and darker impulses makes sense to me. We survived by staying together. Millions and millions of years of prioritizing cohesiveness with the group. It creates unhealthy boundary issues (trust me) but it fucking works. Evolution. Whatever. It makes sense.

What the fuck is this higher self instinct? Has it been seriously studied? I feel like the common rhetoric around revolves around hippies, buzzwords, buddhas. Buddhism seriously addresses this and at least confirms that what im feeling is real. But im not satisfied with the how or the why. “oneness with everything” ya I feel that but why? How? Idk. I guess this is more questions than answers. But if this is the true path to happiness, why are we not taking it more seriously? Our whole society is built around shutting down this impulse. Were told exactly what to do. What to want and how to live. This is the antithesis of soul living. THIS IS WHAT DRIVES ME INSANE!

This is what the grand inquisitor talks about in Karamazov. That men hate freedom. That they want to be led. They WANT to be told what to do. And you see it everywhere. We idolize people. its what the entire advertising world is built on. Leveraging this desire to be led. Actually look at an ad and analyze it through this lens. Its fucking hilarious. But it WORKS. There is real money and human effort being put into this shit. People want to be led. They don’t want to make decisions. They don’t want freedom.

Freedom is hard. It forces you to acknowledge your dark impulses and choose not to listen to them. it forces you to know yourself AND be strong enough to choose better. It’s not enough just to “know”. These impulses are fucking strong. Habits are powerful. You need to be able to see your thoughts in real time “oh shit im so tired today. That’s why im reaching for this. That’s why im thinking like this” that’s hard as fuck.

Until you acknowledge that yes, you have dark impulses. Only then can you do something about it. control them. give yourself grace when you’re not in the right shape to act completely in alignment without spiraling (this was and still is hard for me).

Once you see these impulses and realize hey, I actually have the power to control WHAT I listen to, HOW I show up because I SEE these negative AND these positive thoughts and watch what happens when I CHOOSE positively! It actually works!!! Hey this freedom thing is pretty cool. I can listen to myself. I have control. I am mastering myself. I can see this negativity and think NOPE! Not today!

That’s what buddhism teaches. How to detach your sense of “self” from your thoughts. You cannot control your thoughts. The thought already exists before you become conscious of it. this has been proved neurologically (read sam harris). So there’s that. You are not your thoughts. Trust me bro.

But you can control how you engage with them. that’s what meditation and mindfulness is. 1) realizing u don’t have control over your thoughts. They are not you 2) learning how not to spiral on negativity and focus on the positivity.

So to answer my own question, until people can realize this they will always want to be led. Theyre scared of themselves, their thoughts, because they don’t understand their dark impulses. They don’t know that it will always be there but you cant control them. you can only control how you engage with them. and when so much of our society runs on us following our dark impulses (drama = TV, shit food = comfort, outsourcing right/wrong = religion, advertising, …) its very hard to actually do this.

And then the billion dollar question (for me at least) what is the “self” that chooses the higher thoughts? Is that soul? Does it even need a name? I just want to know what it is, why it exists, where its coming from.

bisous