on safety

and how to navigate a nervous system-based society while maintaining your freedom

raw, unfiltered thoughts from my brain

First of all id like to say that I am standing on the shoulders of Dostoevesky here. The man has changed my life for the better and I could not be more grateful for who he is. He saw human nature with fucking perfect accuracy. He went through the ringer and he came out knowing his soul and the souls of others (he was sentenced to death and at the last minute was absolved. You have no choice but to face yourself when you’re that close to death).

In his grand inquisitor section in karmazov, he essentially says that men do not want freedom. the inquisitor tells Jesus that he has misunderstood human nature. that men need safety instead of freedom, and that he intends to lead his people that way.

"Men dont want freedom" rang so true for me and i now know why.

Humans are social beings. we consistently prioritze acceptance from others and the safety that provides over freedom. that is an evolutionary reality. at some point in our history, abandonment from our tribe meant death. so our nervous systems are wired to scan for any threats of abandonment.

Freedom in this context becomes making a choice that is aligned with your true desires. Safety is choosing something that would enable social acceptance.

choosing freedom gets you what im calling "the side eye". that feeling your body clocks when someone doesnt understand your choice. thats differentiation. and it comes with a nervous system spike. because you feel yourself not being accepted.

im arguing that most of the decisions we make come from listening to this nervous system reaction rather than our true desires. when were constantly short circuiting towards this response, it leaves no room for exploring what we really want.

Were faced with these types of decisions so fucking much once you start to notice it you cant un-notice it. most of us know when were making a decision from this fear but there are a lot of times where its so normal that its not talked about in this context.

Choosing a career is a great example. There are careers that are socially acceptable and respected. My friend Noah calls these the doctor lawyers. These are safe decisions socially because our society respects these types of careers. whether they are worth respecting is completely irrelevant. the only thing that’s important is that you’ll never have to justify this career path to anyone.

On the other hand, choosing a career path that is not something accepted is risky from a social perspective. People don’t know how to place you. To categorize you. Are you safe? If you tell someone you’re a doctor, you’re safe as fuck. If you say something more out there, you get the side eye. You start to question yourself: am I doing something wrong? This is the nervous system spike. This is our wiring protecting us from a threat that no longer exists.

This is how people get pulled into careers they don’t love. Cause that EXACT feeling you get when someone doesn’t understand your career or any choice for that matter is our biological wiring saying “you’re being pushed away from the tribe”. That meant death at some point, so its completely natural and evolutionarily accurate that we think this way.

the safe path is a strategic move in some respects but it shouldn't define you. you're minimizing risk of failure. you essentially understand that for the majority of people to take you seriously, you need some type of credential. this is why your parents push for the safe path. cause they know this is how humans work. my hope is that we can slowly begin to realize that credentials are not the only form of validity. tech has embraced this by no longer requiring degrees.

im not advocating for people to never follow the safe path. it has its advantages (you'll see later how it changed my life for the absolute better and how looking back im grateful that my parents pushed me into it when i resisted, and that they knew this about the world when i didnt). im saying use it strategically to gain the freedom you want.

Side note: some of the best career advice i ever got was from my friend Noah. i didnt know it at the time. i only know now looking back through this lens. i was struggling with the decision between pursuing something entrepreneurial and finding a job where i can "get trained". he told me "maybe you dont need to be trained" and he was 100 percent right. looking back, my decision was basically do what makes me happy (freedom) or fit in (safety). and he correctly questioned my over fixation with what was the socially accepted path, and that it may not lead to the actual outcome im optimizing for (mastery, outsized returns). and while having a good logo on your resume is important, they only get you in the door and you still need to pass the vibe check (more on this in a bit)

When you think about it like this, were all just trying to communicate to each other “im part of this tribe. Don’t push me out”. this shows up EVERYWHERE. Methods of communicating function as a way to indicate you’re part of a certain tribe. The slang you use, your pitch, cadence. The clothes you wear. The car you drive. The way you spend your free time. This list is endless.

What I find most ironic is that authenticity, the opposite of feeling the need to fit in, is now a tribe that people try to fit in with. it has its own signals too. People using substack instead of linkedin, writing in lowercase (im guilty of this), smaller festivals that are trying to be a less cringe burning man. This is now the “authentic” signal. its not actually freedom to do be your authentic self. You’re still seeking acceptance, just from a different crowd.

I think the internet is such a ridiculously good example for this. It’s a technology that can connect any two humans on the planet with a computer. It is PURE freedom. No more needing to go through gatekeepers to get music or literature or movies out there. Everything is just there. But what happens? We don’t want to make a decision that can get us the side eye. We don’t want that freedom. So everyone coalesces on a couple sites. Were still being told what to listen to, only now spotify tells you instead of music labels. We hand over our decision making power to a socially accepted body to minimize the fear of being outcasted by making a decision that is not socially accepted. So we ask spotify “tell us what to listen to” we ask twttter “tell us what to be pissed about”. And in turn we hand those decision makers a ton of power. We vilify someone like Zuck but he didnt invent human nature, he just happened to leverage it to really fucking good effect.

influencers are another obvious example of this. people making a living off telling people what to buy, what to think, how to feel about events. its centralized acceptance criteria. and the money and engagement doesnt lie here either. billions of both for people to avoid feeling the side eye.

Social media engagement algorithms proved this beyond a shadow of a doubt. we seek the comfort of our tribe so we engage heavily with our own echo chambers. we react so intensely to different tribes because they threaten our sense of safety (if were associated with the wrong tribe, that triggers the side eye), so were shown the most sensationalized opinions of the other side to keep us hooked. Meta did not code this logic. its a data driven decision that emerged naturally based on what type of content we engaged more with.

side note: its extremely unfortunate that people think bringing ambiguous topics like wars onto social media is doing anything. you are not solving the problem. you are giving social media a tighter grip on your wellbeing. when something that intense gets into this loop, the tribal effects become exponentially more consuming. i respect your intentions and i understand you're operating from a form of survivors guilt, but this is how people become MORE distant, and the conflict becomes harder to solve. Peace requires de-escalation and shared humanity.

nervous system responses are heavily relied on in social situations as well. people are scanning for likeness and feel safer when you are someone they can categorize. we use social benchmarks like job title, relationship status, and appearence to categorize someone as threat or non threat.

my cousin yossi gave me dating advice that has stuck with me because, even though he couldnt cite this reason as why its effective, it 100 percent is. he said that you are way more likely to succesfully approach a woman at a club if your group includes women you're friendly with. women will see that and clock you as less of a threat. he understood intuitively that everyone is scanning for who is safe. and being with other women puts you in the category of "more likely to not creep me out"

job interviews function very similarly. the whole process is essentially scanning for "is this person safe. are they gonna fuck us over". degrees and other socially accepted displays of competence (experience at reputable company) are the typical benchmarks. but these just minimize risk and get you in the door. they dont always guarantee a job. what guarantees it is you passing the interviewers threat detection.

the amount of money spent on the advertising we get shows that companies spend real money leveraging this human nature and it WORKS. Look at all the certifications on anything you consume (food, soap, whatever). Those certifications realistically are not up to date, not ACTUALLY keeping you 100 percent safe. Those certifications function to make people FEEL safe.

side note: advertisers also invest a lot of money leaning into our need for social safety. you're not just buying a car, you're buying acceptance into the "adventurers" tribe (if you're buying a subaru). you're not just buying asics, you're buying street cred from the "authentic" tribe.

the truth is, nothing is 100 percent safe. There are only probabilities in this world. Not absolutes. and that's terrifying for us. but businesses have to make a decision. and they optimize for the certifications rather than doing the first principles work of whats actually safe because only one of those things increases the likelihood of you buying their product.

this explains our reliance on science over felt experiences, especially in the health space. we listen to what health professionals and training gurus say instead of just listening to our bodies. what feels right to train? what feels good to eat? its safer to trust someone with a degree with that decision. so we never learn how to intuitively take care of ourselves.



There is so much more here and I will continue to evolve this as time goes on. I hope that if any of this resonates with you, you reach out so we can chat. But I hope you come away with this:

Happiness comes from aligning your life with what YOU truly want as much as you possibly can. This is freedom. This is getting the side eye, feeling that nervous system spike, and letting it pass. This is being ok with people not understanding you. This is following what you want and trusting that you WILL find people to share that with.

It is our human nature to seek the safety of acceptance, which deviates you from that path in some way. This is safety. This is making decisions that get you social currency. This is optimizing for being accepted by a wide range of people instead of the few that actually matter.

freedom is the path to integrity. it is what will allow you to make a decision based on what's best for your children and not what other parents say.

freedom is the path to entrepreneurial success. the most influential companies succeeded because their founders thought radically different and were ok with being misunderstood for just long enough to do something that was not accepted. through this lens, the side eye is a valuable signal that you're doing something that can be revolutionary. and if you want to change the world, you need to be comfortable with the side eye.

freedom is the path to your best work. when your focus stops being split into "im loving this" and "how will this be viewed", you free up a ton of bandwidth. you become more willing to explore and make mistakes. you learn quicker. you have more fun.

treat it like a muscle. Start small. Differentiate yourself in a small way and observe how your nervous system reacts. Observe how other people react to you. they will try and reign you back in. You’ll feel a spike I guarantee it. you’re differentiating. Its scary. But train yourself. Train yourself to be ok with that. That is the path to happiness. little by little.

use social benchmarks when needed to secure your freedom. you need them to open doors. use them to minimize risk as you see fit. but do not define yourself by them.

in interviews, display competence not just with your resume but with your vibe. your confidence. dont be too reverent. treat it like a conversation. dont be afraid to ask hard questions. not just for the sake of it, but because you're actually trying to see if its a fit for you. that signals confidence.

if you want to attract women, be friendly and warm to people. this may sound a bit gimmicky but you should obviously always be nice. im saying be aware that they are scanning for threats, and do what you can to pose yourself as someone safe.

side note: both these 2 points require authenticity. so maybe the first step is actually gaining the skills that make you confident and the friendliness and openness that will make women feel more comfortable around you. im saying looking at these typically daunting situations from this perspective makes it easier and smoother.

use social pressure to your advantage. i wanted to send this to someone whose opinion i value, so i spent some time restructuring. not only did this make this work way easier to follow, it allowed me to explore new arguments (influencer culture, relgiion, science). just be conscious when it becomes performance. when you stop following your ideas naturally and start censoring yourself, thats your cue that you're not in the right head space. take a step back. switch gears. come back when you can approach it organically again.

our systems are built to operate like this threat detection mechanism, so be aware of it and move accordingly. people want to know instantly if you're safe. show them you are with degrees and whatever credentials you need but dont let that block your true desires. use it to gain freedom.

Ill also personally share some ways this thinking has improved my life.

I no longer fear making mistakes. I let my curiosity lead me.

Two HUGE aspects. First is EE. Before my sense of worth/belonging was tied up in me being an electrical engineer. That was my social currency. So actually pursuing more knowledge threatened that. Cause what if theres something I don’t know? Now I can approach it freely and am enjoying it tremendously. Im combining my love of music and EE to build a ton of cool stuff.

Second is soccer. A sport I am gifted at but I was too afraid to make mistakes and get the side eye to actually just let my instincts take over. My dad would always tell me “you’re so much better when you just play” and he was 100% right. I now try things I would never try because im no longer afraid to make mistakes.

My performance in both work and sports has been way better and I actually enjoy it way more.

I write for myself, not for anyone else. I let my soul speak. This is a filtering mechanism forsure. Most people will ask for citations. Want a clear theme and supporting arguments and sheeeettt. But those are the exact people who are not ready to hear something like this.

I no longer feel frustration when people try super hard to fit in. I also am not frustrated with myself here for being frustrated at them (lol). It’s human nature. We all do it. we all want to be accepted. My anger has been substituted for curiosity.

i also am no longer frustrated with my parents for pushing me towards the safe path when they knew i was different. they understood these mechanics from experience even if they coudlnt name it (they probably did but i was just too pissed to hear it lol). i knew instinctively that a lot of the shit i was doing in school was irrelevant. i constantly optimized for what i actually needed and cared about. but that made me different. they pushed me to get my degree and they were right to do so. because i wouldve never been able to move to the US without it (to get a TN visa you need to be a professional in certain fields, and to prove that you need a degree)

And ill tell u that even with this very post/document wtvr u wanna call it. I psyched myself out a bit. I am so fucking excited about this idea that I wanted it to be perfect. super clear flow super clear supporting arguments hit ALL the points I wanna hit. But why? Fuck it. I just want to explore these ideas and keep exploring them. that exact thought process (trying to perfect it) was fucking with my flow. I literally just sat down and banged this out. and ill come back and adjust as needed. And there are more parallels/connections to be made. But I hope you’ll come up with some and say “oh shit its here. And here. And here.” That’s all that matters. In that way, I am training myself to stop needing to be “accepted” stop needing other people to say this is ok to make it ok. Its ok cause I say its ok you stupid brain. Were happy when we do this (this is me talking to myself). That’s the top and bottom of it as the brits say.

Much much more to come and much much love. mwahhhhhhh