on darkness

and dostoevsky's grand inquisitor

raw, unfiltered thoughts from my brain

I truly could not have reached the grand inquisitor poem in karamzov at a better time. I finally found the link between all our systems and how they all pull us out of our natural mode of being in favor of process structure conformity. I had a feeling there was a deeper link and that it was to religion cause of ideas ive read in the past but couldn’t connect the dots yet. Then I open this masterpiece of a book and start reading shit like “man’s worst fear is freedom” (not direct quote) and it hit me.

Were terrified of the unknown. Terrified of the darkness within ourselves. But its only through this darkness that we discover who we are and become unshakably confident and grounded. It is fucking tough to face this. Religion gave us a way out. it is the TRUE externalization of our moral right and wrong. Ive been circling this idea for so long and it finally clicked. Why do people need to follow process? Why do people need external markers like education, marital status, to deem if you’re a good human being? We don’t trust our own version of right and wrong. Our inner knowing. Religion gives us that right and wrong. And ironically also comes with a fuck ton of rules.

At this moment im more blurred than I thought on how this links directly to facing ourselves. Well actually maybe I do know. We all have darkness within ourselves. Some of us have seen it face to face and some of us spend our whole lives running from it. but when you run from anything, you give it more power. Only this is subconscious. So you cant exactly point out why you don’t fully trust yourself. You know you have a shadow but until you’ve looked at it right in the fucking face and come out the other side saying “this isn’t me. I choose the light” you wont fully trust yourself. You wont fully see your soul.

This is the whole point of eastern religion. While western religions outsource their soul / right and wrong, buddhism forces you to look inward. You are your own gd (my religion does not allow me to write g o d because then im making it possible to erase his name). You have everything you need within you. All the love and acceptance you long for.

But western religions say follow all these rules and you’ll have what you seek (love, acceptance, afterlife). And we oblige. And we no longer need to do the challenging work of facing ourselves. So we can determine FOR OURSELVES what is right and wrong.

I will expand on this more as I think more about it. but ya. What crazy timing to have read that poem. And crazy to think that if you haven’t faced yourself, freedom is the scariest thing. And if you have, you can’t live your life without it.

Side note: I also strongly believe that the reason our systems behave this way is due to their “top down” (large government in charge of a lot of people) vs “bottom up” (small municipalities ruling themselves). Taleb talks a lot about this. How small government were antifragile because they made quicker decisions and more importantly made decisions based on what was best for a smaller group. Becomes hard to please everyone when “everyone” becomes more and more people.

Actually theres probably a link to western religion. Cause if everyone is following the same rules and fearing the same gd (im aware of the irony that I cant spell g o d while calling out religion like this) then everyone must be the same. We don’t treat people like they have their own free souls. Therefore why not just make 1 massive government body? Everyone behaves and wants the same shit anyway.

bisous